I’m currently laying awake in bed when I should be sound asleep. Writing helps me collect my thoughts, terrible as they may be, and forces me to look at them with cold, calculating, detachment. Usually.
Tonight, I’m hoping, as I lay here breathing through this relatively, mild panic attack that I can regain some semblance of control and get back to the calming abyss of sleep.
So what could be the cause of all this stress and anxiety you ask?
Well, friend, I wish I knew.
You see, I can only assume that while I am not, by any means unaccustomed to stress, anxiety, and depression, that there must be a reason for this now.
Perhaps it’s just the world closing in, or the disconcerting test results from my recent blood work that came back, there’s also the magazine deadlines to consider, but most likely, it has to do with my children.
Cadence has not been taking the idea of Riley’s surgery very well. I’ve been doing my best to help put her mind at ease and give her special attention that every 5-year-old needs so she doesn’t mistakenly think the extra attention Riley is getting right now, means we love her more. It sadly, wouldn’t be the first time she’s felt that way.
Tomorrow is Riley’s swallow study. The results of this test will indicate how urgently we need to schedule her surgery. After that, we still have a spinal MRI to complete–this is to verify one last time that there isn’t any other outside factors that might be the cause of this issue.
So much of our summer has been waiting for casts to be off and now waiting to find out about surgery.
Cadence’s Birthday is in August. We’ll be moving her party around so that way Riley can actually still be a part of it because we have no idea what will be happening post surgery. She needs her little shadow, her mini me, best friend and sister to be there.
I realize this post is very much just the rambling detritus of my mind but it IS my blog and it served its purpose. I’ve managed to get my breathing and heart rate back down. I think I’m finally ready to drift off to sleep for a couple hours before my alarm goes off at 4:15am.
Until Next Time,